we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
