I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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