I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
