I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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