you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
