Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
