If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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