He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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