dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
