I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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