my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
