Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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