I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
