Me too!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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