i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
