Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
