Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
