Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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