How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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