At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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