my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
