I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Who did Billy Mays play for?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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