Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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