I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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