I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
