I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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