I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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