I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
BRING THE BAGELS
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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