I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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