So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
