Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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