I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
