Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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