Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
