I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
