$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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