i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
