Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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