Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
