I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
