it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
