I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
