I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
