sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
