My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
