all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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