I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
