she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
