I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
