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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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